Someone asked me for parenting advice. This happens once or twice a year. It always sort of blows my mind because I have the one kid so I would not consider myself an expert at this particular life skill 😆
Figured I'd share it though, just in case anybody else wanted it 🤷♀️
✨ Question: What would you do if one of your kids opened their Christmas present early? ✨
So in this scenario the Christmas presents were in a closet, and a child opened one of them. I'm sure we've all been there.
This mom was feeling really frustrated and had yelled and told them that they weren't allowed to have that gift now because they opened it. They were feeling bad about that and just wanted some direction.
✨ Answer: Nothing. I probably would have done nothing 🤣
Okay not nothing, but it wouldn't have been a big deal. We would have talked about it 🤷♀️ I likely would have had her rewrap the present herself, and put it back in the closet.
Why? 🤔🤔🤔
1️⃣ First, a child's frontal lobe is not developed until they are 25 years old, their impulse control is extremely limited. Impulse control is not about knowing right from wrong. It's that part of your brain that controls action based on reason. They don't have it yet.
2️⃣ Also, it's affected by what we eat, how we sleep, and how regulated we are in the moment. It can get worse.
3️⃣ In addition, if you have any sort of neurodivergency of any kind, diagnosed or otherwise, it's almost non-existent. Did you know that ADHD medication only buys you three extra seconds of impulse control? 3 seconds. 3 seconds to think about the action before you do it. That is how fast action can happen before thought.
✨ Okay so what about consequences? We can't have kids out here just doing whatever the hell right? Right. I agree. You still have to parent. 💯
👉 First thing first, consequences and punishment are NOT the same thing.
Consequences are the thing that naturally happens as a result of what you did. A punishment is something to cause pain and suffering.
In my opinion, the natural consequence of that action is that they have ruined their own surprise which already sucks a lot. 😞
They have also made you disappointed, and they know that, and that hurts them a lot. They're going to have shame, and already feel bad that they did something they weren't supposed to do. 🥺
Piling on a punishment is not helpful. Taking it away is overkill, ESPECIALLY If the consequence was not expressly stated prior to the event.
Unless you looked at this gift and said "Hey this gift right here if you touch it, you cannot have it. Do you understand?", then you never set a boundary or laid out a consequence in the first place. That's on you. 👀
Even then, you better put it somewhere really hard to get to, because you're asking a lot of a small child.
A boundary is not "If you're bad I'm taking all your presents away" or "If you touch anything you're not having Christmas". Those are wild empty threats and are not indicative of any effort in parenting.
Can you imagine if your boss just walked in and said "If you're bad I'm firing you" and then left. What the fuck does that even mean??? 😅😅😅
That would be so stressful. You would just never know if you were doing something that was going to get you fired or not. 😬
If your boss walked in and said: "You've been late 10 times this year, we are writing you up, and if you are late again without proof of an emergency you no longer have the privilege of working here. It's really important that we have you here on time because it ruins the customer experience when they have to wait because you're late. Do you understand?" it would still suck, but you would at least know what's going on.
COMMUNICATION Y'ALL 🙌
✨ What is a consequence that makes sense?
I think asking the child to rewrap the present, and put it back in the closet, would be more than sufficient. 🎁
They get to undo the damage that they did, they don't get it early, and they still get the message that they're not supposed to do that.
There is no pain or suffering added, we're just fixing what happened. GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO MAKE IT RIGHT WITHOUT INFLICTING ADDITIONAL PAIN. 🙏
I would also take accountability for my own actions, and move those presents somewhere else next time. I would express a more clear boundary, explain why it's important, and I would not threaten.
Especially not empty threats, shame, or anything that has to do with being bad. I would have appropriate expectations.
✨ What would I do now? Now that I had already yelled and threatened? REPAIR 💯
Repair is not apology. Although it can contain an apology, repair is more than that.
Repair is acknowledging where I went wrong, explaining why that happened, listening to their side of the situation. It's apologizing for the behavior and expressing how I will do that differently in the future.
It always ends with connection, it's done with compassion, and it's meant to actually repair the rift in the relationship that the situation caused. 💓
I often tell Destiny that this is my first time being a mom, just like it's her first time being a kid, and I have no idea what I'm doing.
Sometimes I do things impulsively, just like she does. My yelling, or doling out a punishment, was just as impulsive as her opening the present... is probably what I would say.
We're human, and we make mistakes, and it's okay to make mistakes, but it's not okay to treat each other poorly. I would make sure that she knew that she wasn't in trouble, and she wasn't bad, and I also wasn't bad.
We're both just humans on earth for the first time, doing the best we can, with what we've got. I'd make sure that she processed the experience of being yelled at, and being threatened, and give her whatever reassurance that she needed at that point. 🤗
Then I would offer the opportunity for her to re-wrap the president and let that be her repair of the situation. Let her have the opportunity to make it right, and feel good in the end.
Conflict and mistakes are an amazing opportunity to bring people closer, and it's incredible how much stronger our relationship can get when everyone is vulnerable, open and honest with each other.
I feel like when we lead our families from a place of connection and service, instead of ego and control, the home is so much more peaceful 💕
Anyway, I hope that helps if you read this far 😅
Shout out to the mom who was open enough to reach out and ask. Wanting to do better, and taking action to do so, is admirable. You are doing a great job 🫶
